No Clear Path: Navigating Life’s Transitions

Here I am, in front of my laptop, writing for the first time. It doesn’t feel as intimidating as I once thought it would be. I never imagined I’d be writing in general, but here I am, trying it out. My writing won’t have a clear beginning or an ending. Let it feel more like a conversation with a friend. Let it resonate with you. I want to keep my feelings and thoughts completely transparent with you, as the reader.

I need to change my life around. I’ve been in the same exact position before, and I’ve handled it differently each time—at least, I think I have. I’d bombard myself with an overwhelming amount of self-help videos and books, and that would be the start of the cycle. I’d also begin to research more than ever before, although I tend to do that quite often. I have a problem or a question, and I start researching every bit of information I can. I’m starting to realize that too much of something is bad, but it took me this long to realize that even too much of something good can be bad. I’ve been bombarding myself with all these recipes and statistics about what’s wrong with me. Recently, I realized it doesn’t take all that much. I get it—it’s everyone’s first time living, and it might feel overwhelming when we go through things, especially for the first time. Lately, I’ve felt that the more I experience something, the harder it hits me.

Recently, I’ve found myself going through a lot of changes. I started a new job at an elementary school as a Paraprofessional. I’ve been dating someone since December, but we’ve had something serious since September. I can admit, though, that our relationship still feels relatively young. I’m also very aware that I’ve gained a decent amount of weight. I stopped training in MMA, something I’ve passionately done for as long as I can remember, all because I lost someone to suicide. They buried her next to the gym, and I just couldn’t bring myself to go anymore after her death. I started trying to do music, but I feel like it’s gotten absolutely nowhere. Right now, I just feel like a pile of nothing.

I reread what I’ve written, and if I had read this a couple of years ago, I would’ve been extremely disappointed in myself. Here I am, writing, with so much to say but no clear direction. But again, I honestly have nothing to prove.